Uppers and Downers

I've realized all my life, I spent a majority of my time drowning myself in these "downer" situations where my self-esteem was just too crappy to function properly. I think that my past is a pretty much legit reason as to why I have these insecurities. Because the times that I've feared there was someone else, in the end, there really was/is someone else. Especially, for example, in this instance: to give someone something as sacred as your virginity, to bleed and hurt for this act of love, proving your comittment, devotion and trust. Then, to have them throw that back at you to climb that social ladder of thugs and badasses, where relationships are not just cool anymore. They fuck your friend (close friend at that), and tell everyone else the girl they devirginized was just to "hit that and quit". So fucked.

Time to digress.. .

But the "uppers" are just too intense. I feel things full force, so if I love you, I love you, love you. And to be in that safe house of nesting where insecurities are left at the door, it feels so good.

I'm too transparent with my feelings, and although it works to the other persons advantange, it goes opposite with me. I can't shield what I would like to. I wish, I wish I could.

Fact:

If one day you find me making out with random people at a bar, something must be really wrong with me. It either means

a) Someone hurt me so bad, I'm trying to forget.
b) I hurt someone so bad, I'm trying to forget.

The end..